EP021: Dr Stan Tatkin on Secure Functioning, Childhood Wounds, and True Intimacy
There’s something that happens in long-term relationships that no one really prepares us for.
We start off in love, full of promise, connection, and certainty. But somewhere along the way – maybe after kids, maybe after a fight we never fully repaired – something shifts. We stop seeing each other clearly. We react before we breathe. And if we’re not careful, we begin relating from fear, not presence.
In this episode of Let Her Speak, I sat down with Dr Stan Tatkin, a renowned clinician, author, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), to unpack what’s really underneath the friction we feel in relationships – and it has everything to do with our nervous system.
“You’re not crazy. You’re not codependent. You’re protecting yourself.”
This conversation gave me so much self commpasion.
Because I know the patterns in my own relationship well. When I feel distance, I panic. I cling. I test. I abandon myself just to feel close again. And when I sense rejection, I retreat – trying to preempt the pain by pulling away first. It’s exhausting. It feels shameful. And for a long time, I thought I just needed to work on myself harder before I could get this right.
But Stan reframes all of this with stunning compassion: these aren’t failures. They’re adaptations.
They’re the survival strategies we built in childhood – when our needs weren’t always met, when closeness sometimes came with pain, or when autonomy felt unsafe. And now, those same strategies play out in adult relationships. Not because we’re broken, but because our bodies are wired to protect us.
It’s not your fault – but it is your responsibility
Here’s the thing: our brains aren’t naturally wired for long-term secure functioning. According to Stan, we’re memory-driven animals who unconsciously interpret our partner’s tone, facial expressions, or even silence as threats. When those cues aren’t repaired quickly, they get stored as “threat memory” – and that’s when resentment builds, intimacy fades, and we start seeing each other as adversaries instead of allies.
But here’s the empowering part: this isn’t fixed. And love isn’t the only thing that can repair it – structure, agreements, rituals, and shared purpose are what make secure partnership possible.
Stan says this clearly: “You can’t just ‘work on yourself first’ and hope it fixes the relationship. The healing is in the relationship. It’s co-regulation. It’s repair. It’s choosing the other person again and again, especially when it’s hard.”
So what does that look like in real life?
It’s simpler – and harder – than you might think.
It’s touching toes in bed after a fight, even when you’re still angry.
It’s making amends fully and quickly, not defending your righteousness.
It’s creating shared values and a reason for your relationship that goes beyond love or attraction.
It’s recognising that intimacy doesn’t start with sex – it starts with emotional safety, with attunement, with being truly seen.
It’s parenting in a way that says: “My relationship with my partner comes first, because it’s the foundation everything else is built on.”
These aren’t grand gestures. They’re nervous system recalibrations – subtle, steady reminders to the body that connection is safe, and repair is possible.
What does this mean for parents?
So many women in my world carry the guilt of not doing it “right”. Yelling too much. Being overwhelmed. Wondering if they’ve already damaged their child’s sense of safety.
Stan offers relief here, too. Children adapt. But they adapt best when parents repair. And the greatest gift we can give our children isn’t perfection – it’s modelling secure, emotionally safe partnership.
That means putting the couple first. Not above the child, but for the child. Because when our relationship is grounded, our kids get to be kids. They’re not caught in emotional triangulation. They get to grow up watching two people navigate conflict, rupture, and repair – in real time, with respect and resilience.
You’re allowed to evolve how you do relationship
If this conversation stirs something in you – a realisation, a grief, a glimmer of possibility – know this:
It’s not too late to change the way you connect.
It’s not too late to choose secure functioning over emotional chaos.
It’s not too late to rewrite the stories your body still holds about love, safety, and belonging.
And if you’ve been stuck in repeating patterns, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your nervous system is trying to keep you alive. It’s doing its job. But now, with awareness, you get to do your job – which is to bring safety back into the system.
Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Repair by repair.
You already know what’s not working. Now, it’s time to do the brave, grounded, beautiful work of creating something new.
